Like a sleazy guy in a bar who just won't leave me alone, my painfully fucking annoying urinary tract infection has come back to nag me once again. Yes... once again, I am forced to tolerate the constant, seemingly urgent bathroom-visits in which I only manage to squeeze out a wee bit of urine, accompanied by other oddities like blood and tiny bits of tissue, while my eyes water and I hold back the urge to groan in pain and frustration. However, seeing that I have already been acquainted with Mr. Blood and Mr. Tissue, it looks like it is now time for me to get familiar with good old Mr. Yellow Semi-Solid Substance. Needless to say, I find him equally perturbing. I mean, what the hell is that shit?

In other news: I need softer toilet paper, apparently. I feel like I've been sodomized.

I'm a mess.
I love Michael, he is a great person, and a great boyfriend.
But as the relationship progresses, I feel like I'm missing him more and more everytime we're away from each other. I find myself thinking about him and our relationship - and relationships in general - whenever there's nothing else to do. (And lately, there hasn't been much to do, apart from the things that I don't really want to do.) Unsurprisingly, I wind up feeling miserable.

I sometimes feel overwhelmed by my feelings for him - even when I'm with him. It's like I don't know what to do with myself. I hate it. Moreover, it's unpleasant for me whenever we're together and there's nothing to do or talk about... it makes me restless. I find myself getting annoyed whenever we're together - in person or on the phone - and he's not being as attentive as I would like him to be. But I know that I shouldn't expect him to be attentive to me all the time. My sensible, rational side would say "Well, do something to occupy yourself, and stop being so damn needy." but it's hard to shake off my feelings. Whenever I decide to be with him, and give him my attention, I don't really want to do anything else at the time... but if he's not on the same page with me, then I get thrown off-balance. He is the first person to ever affect me in such a way. I don't even think I've had feelings - real feelings - for a guy until I met him. I'm afraid that I don't know how to deal with this.

Nevertheless, I feel pathetic and vulnerable, and I hate to say it but... I feel dependent.
I don't expect him to be with me 24/7. I don't expect anybody to. But I'm just very lonely these days. Scrap that - I've been lonely most of my life, but my loneliness has been much more pronounced since I haven't been seeing my friends as often as I would like. To make matters worse, I still haven't gotten over my shyness... so meeting new people is a slow process for me. Too slow.

Of course, an easy way to combat these feelings would be to find stuff to distract myself with, but these days I don't even know what to do. Maybe I'm just depressed.

I wonder if I should be in a relationship at all. I don't understand how I can be with someone so kind, understanding and loving, and still be so unhappy in my mind. I know that it's not him - the problem lies with me. I've had a wall around me for as long as I can remember, and it's finally crumbling down, and I'm worried that it would be too much for me to take, amidst all the other problems and insecurities that I am grappling with at the moment.

Not to mention, I had never planned on being in a serious relationship in the first place - at least not until I had my share of experiences first. But I guess things were going so well between us that I just found myself going along with everything... It's as if I've met someone who is right for me, but at the wrong time in my life. But if that's the case, then what the hell should I do? I don't want to lose him. I'm not sure if I was fully prepared for a relationship like this. I haven't even gotten over my desire to have fun and enjoy my youth without the restraints and emotional consequences of a relationship, but I didn't really think about that when I got into a relationship with him... and I know that I should have, but I guess I wasn't expecting to become so deeply... involved. It looks like "going with the flow" has gotten me into quite a predicament.

I hate feeling like the one with all the issues.

I'm tired of classes.
I'm tired of exams.
I'm tired of projects.
I'm tired of responsibility.
I'm tired of sex.
I'm tired of emotions.
I'm tired of insecurities.
I'm tired of complications.
I'm tired of ignorance.
I'm tired of stereotypes.
I'm tired of inequality.
I'm tired of double standards.
I'm tired of sexism.
I'm tired of racism.
I'm tired of all the other "-isms".
I'm tired of evolutionary psychobabble.
I'm tired of nature.
I'm tired of conflict.
I'm tired of men.
I'm tired of women.
I'm tired of children.
I'm tired of slow walkers.
I'm tired of bitches.
I'm tired of assholes.
I'm tired of society in general.
I'm tired of being female.
I'm tired of being broke.
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired of thinking.
I'm tired of caring.
I'm tired of feeling.
I'm tired of wanting.
I'm tired of hoping.
I'm tired of being disappointed.

I'm also tired of the melodrama of me being so goddamn tired of everything. No, wait... there's still music. Now there's something I'll never get tired of.

Sometimes I wonder what's the point of being in a relationship with a man... Before anyone accuses me of "man-bashing", I would like to add that such musings do not stem from any hatred towards men, but from resentment and cynicism towards a specific situation that many women seem to face.

It's all too common to hear that men want "variety", and that they can't help but look, think about, fantasize about and even have the urge to sleep with other women while in a relationship. I believe that such things are natural, but natural for HUMAN BEINGS, not just men. It is natural for men to seek multiple partners, but it is for women as well. However, unlike women in society, men are and have always been encouraged to have the aforementioned mindset. However, women to this day are generally conditioned by society to have eyes for one person and desire monogamy. Women who stray from the common order tend to be less open about it than men, and may even feel some level of guilt associated with such thoughts. This pattern is especially noticeable in traditional societies, and it saddens me, really. It saddens me that from youth, males and females were brought up to have such disharmonious relationships with one another.

Why is it disharmonious? Because it is unequal. It is unfair. Inequitable. "But life isn't fair! Deal with it..." you (especially the men, whenever women complain about unfair treatment) say. Regardless of how unfair life is, should society strive for that? Should we, as intelligent lifeforms with the capacity to reason and to feel, follow such a substandard model of society?

An unequal relationship is often an unhappy one. It is unhappy because one party always feels like he/she received the short end of the stick. One person always feels that despite all the time, effort, energy and emotion invested in the relationship, the other person always has an advantage over them. It can damage one's ego, leave one feeling like a fool... in other words, it can fucking hurt. And that feeling often does not go away until things are made even between both parties, or until the relationship is terminated.

In case you are wondering what the hell I am getting at with all of this, I am saying that while many women may supposedly have eyes for their man alone, what are the odds that their men feel the same way? "Slim to none." many of you would say - although none of us would really know for sure. The general consensus is that "It's a man's nature to look." In fact, many men (and women too) would support the notion that it's in a man's nature to want sex with other women besides his wife/girlfriend. Hardly anybody wants to acknowledge the other way around. So we have relationships where men freely think about sex with many different women during the course of the relationship, and women repress their urges (sometimes so well that they don't even notice that they exist.) I am inclined to think that this is commonplace, if not the flat-out norm in heterosexual relationships. (Note that I am in no way trying to pigeon-hole ALL men and women here...) As a result of this, the women are more inclined to feel undervalued and underappreciated by their men - no matter how many times they are told that they are loved and wanted. They feel as though their perception of their relationship is not mutual, and that the amount of devotion for the relationship and their partner is unrequited. To make matters worse, they are often urged to stifle their natural feelings of jealousy and insecurity all because "boys will be boys".

Men enjoy and admire the beauty of various women, indulge in fantasies about other women, and are generally able to feel comfortable about it - because the world will understand, or even pat them on the back for it. While women can do the same (and many are doing the same), it appears as though the world is not ready to accept and embrace it. That's why there are so many women out there who apparently choose to commit themselves to having eyes for one man (beecause it's suppossedly the "virtuous" and "proper" thing to do), but are heartbroken over the fact that their partners cannot and will not do the same for them. It is an unequal partnership, and quite depressing if you ask me.

Fortunately for me, I'm not the kind of girl who suppresses her imagination or her desire to look - I can admit that I have thoughts about other men, and that I look at other men. But I feel no need to express it to my significant other, and I quite frankly don't want him to express those sentiments to me. I'd rather that certain thoughts be kept to oneself. Blatant staring and certain comments about a woman's attractiveness (especially when such comments are unwarranted and unnecessary) are off-putting to me, and cause nothing but discomfort. I admit that I have my own insecurities, and I am inclined to feel somewhat jealous myself (but not unreasonably so...) I do not want such emotions to be fueled within me by unneccessary revelations of what you think about that hot, sexy woman that you met, passed by, or just caught a glimpse at. Yes, honesty is important, but so is tact. Men and women both have emotions, and we should always consider our partner's feelings. But that's another story altogether... *sigh*

And while I have acknowledged myself as an individual, I am still inclined to identify myself with a group (in this case, the female gender), and thus feel despondent over inequalities and trials faced by other females, even if I don't have to deal with it in my own life. However, at the same time, it is rather disheartening to know that if you go against what seems to be an unfair norm, members of your own group will still condemn you for it.

And don't try to use evolutionary psychology as a means of convincing me that women are naturally monogamous while men are naturally polygamous... Please. I am TIRED of hearing the same thing - that men are "biologically hard-wired" to spread their seed, blah blah blah... women want a steady partner to take care of them and their offspring, blah blah blah. The next time I hear "men are hard-wired" or "women are hard-wired" again, I'll go crazy! Besides, it is just as evolutionarily beneficial for the woman to seek multiple partners as it is for the man. Not only does she want to pass on her genes, but she wants the best genes for her children, from multiple partners. That way the chances of surviving offspring would be higher (due to variation among her offspring, and the fact that it makes no sense putting all your eggs in one basket, and betting everything on a single man, when there may be potentially stronger males seeking you.) And what about sperm competition? How the hell did that develop if women weren't getting around in the first place? Hard-wired for monogamy, my ass...

And they say feminism isn't needed any more...

And yes, I am aware that all men are not the same, and neither are all women. The statements I make are general observations of mine - nothing more, nothing less. If anyone has had observations and experiences that contradict my somewhat negative views, then I would be happy (seriously, I would be) to read about them. Not that anybody's going to read all this shit anyway...

Why I don't want children:

1) I am not a family-oriented person. I don't see myself settling down and starting a family in the future, so I guess it would make sense to say that I don't see children in my future either. I was never really able to warm up to the idea of having a family of my own. When I was a child, I never even gave it much thought - I just figured, "Oh well... That's what everyone else is doing. I might wind up doing it too." However, as I got older, I grew increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of it. A family-oriented lifestyle was just unappealing to me. I was leaning toward a different kind of life for myself, and I still am.

2) Don't get me wrong. I think babies are adorable, with their tiny hands and feet and chubby cheeks. But they're not that special to me. I'm perfectly happy just smiling at them and going about my business, knowing that I am not obligated to take care of them. Just because I think they're cute does not mean that I want any of my own. Kittens are cute too, and they're far more self-sufficient (not to mention less expensive.)

3) Call me selfish all you want, but I'll be much happier taking care of myself and myself alone. What's so wrong with that? Besides, people who have babies can be just as (if not more) selfish. Let's examine some popular, but selfish reasons for having children:

- "I want to achieve immortality through my children. I want to carry on MY genes."
- "I want somebody to take care of ME when I get old."
- "It is imperative to MY lifestyle. How would I look in front of all the other wives and mothers who all have kids of their own? I want children for MYSELF too."

In other words, "I want children because it would make ME happy."

Look, there's nothing wrong with being selfish every now and then, okay? That said, I don't see how their selfishness is any "better" than mine... and if you claim to be completely unselfish and altruistic, then you're either lying or completely delusional.

4) I am not giving in to to social pressures and having a child just because it's what society wants me to do. I am not popping out babies and bringing people into this world "just for the sake of it", without considering carefully whether or not I truly want to do it. Too many people ask the question "Why don't you want children?" In my honest opinion, that's the wrong question. They should really be asking "Why do you want children?" because the way I see it, your reasons for having children can determine the kind of parent you would be, which would have a much more significant impact on your offspring's future than my little old reasons for not having any in the first place. In fact, since I'm not going to have any children, then I'm pretty much out of the picture.

5) I mentioned before that I think babies are cute. That said, they may be cute... but they're hellions! Not to mention, they get worse when they get older - and they stop being cute around that time as well. Hell, if babies weren't so cute, then I wouldn't be able to tolerate them at all! I guess their innocence is endearing as well, but that doesn't last either.

6) I like my freedom, thank you very much. I like my figure too.

7) Judging from my mentality, I SHOULDN'T be having children! However, that does not mean that my mentality is bad or wrong - it's just not suitable for the particular path that is parenting. I mean, come on! I'm not a "family person", I'd rather just take care of myself, and I don't think that babies are all that wonderful anyway, so what's the point in me having children?

Would I ever change my mind? Maybe, maybe not. Still, it's annoying to hear "You'll change your mind (when the right person comes along.)" whenever I mention my stance. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But how the fuck do you know?

Seriously, people need to mind their fucking business. You don't hear me asking people who want children: "But... why?" Yet apparently it bothers other people so much that (GASP!) somebody - let alone a female - does not want to have children. 'Cause, you know, women are supposed to want babies, since it's like, their purpose on this planet to be mothers and all that. Yeah... okay then.

And just in case some over-sensitive little puss who stumbles upon this entry comes on here, whining about how "insulting" my post is, getting on the defensive and taking everything I say here as a personal attack, then I'll add a little disclaimer:

I have no problem with people who have children, want children, or are going to have children. But since people seem to get a lot more flack from society for wanting to remain childless, I felt compelled to express my views on the matter, and clarify how I feel - not necessarily for other people, but for myself. You do your thing, and I'll do mine, okay? Peace.